“I knew what I was getting into when I called you” From Misty Edwards song “I Knew What I Was Getting Into” Album Joy -Live
Still seems like a phrase that is hard to swallow…I have in the last past few months fell in a dark night of faith…It didn’t matter what people would say, I hated everything: work, God and me. Yup!! I said it out loud peeps I was pissed at God again… Its really only cause I still think God is shocked about who I am. As if He doesn’t know who I am.
My favorite Quote was “I QUIT” apparentlly you can’t quit life…I asked my boss “HA…NO’ was her response.
Bitterness is a new companion the last few months, about where I think I should be in life.
Ok! The truth is I have a fear of rejection in the area of intimacy. If I get intimate with God He will pull away…Its jacked up I know. But its how I feel. I keep feeling that if God sees me intimate with Him, He will reject My intimacy. So I poured my self hard in my work. Then when I wasn’t getting what I wanted in my work I felt rejected, so I shut down in that area as well. Thinking whats the point of pouring my self out in what I do if I get rejected. It seemed to be in every area in my life; friends, parents, sister and leadership.
As everything I feel around me is being taken away, friends leaving, friends death, cats death and sets in the prayer room being removed from my schedule, I am left with a void only God can fill…God loves this place where you are dry in a corner with no where to turn but to Him. I’m in a dessert looking at the oasis but staying where I am. Some how when I wasn’t looking the oasis got closer. God is sneaky waiting ever so passionately for me to give in a little before coming in.
I am learning God will not reject my intimacy with Him…
“And I am not shocked by your weakness.
And I am not shocked even by your sin.
And I am not shocked by your brokenness.” Misty Edwards” I Knew What I Was Getting Into” Album Joy-Live
In fact He is waiting to have every ounce of intimacy I have to be poured unto Him now matter how little it is…It brings Him great delight…A delight I want to know so much more… in fact in a Intimate way…
I found a video of the prayer room of Misty Edwards singing this Oracle…..It spells out everything I have been feeling this last few months…
I will say though, I would rather be in my walk with God going through the ups and downs then not having God going through the ups and downs. I don’t know how I would have gone through some of the seasons in my life with out Him.